Do you ever lie in bed and the curtains are closed so tight and your eyes are too because you’re just wishing that it isn’t morning, that this day has not come?
I feel like that every morning.
I messed up, quite a lot, in the last few months.
I was meant to calm down, get my head back into my books, get my brain back into function. Instead I just got into drugs.
These last two months have morphed into one very long day for me, a day that refuses to end.
I started seeing someone, until he got arrested for assault, so now drugs are the thing keeping me from going near him.
I tell myself, “If you have this spliff, you’re not allowed to see him”, and so I don’t see him. I just get stoned.
I don’t know what happened, one day I’m having lunch in the pub with my friends and the next I’m meeting them on the street and we awkwardly pass each other because there is just too much unsaid. Now my friends are a gang of stoners.
And we sit together every night and try to work out where the next spliff is coming from.
I started raiding people’s bathroom cabinets, looking for a valium, looking for some sanity and peace of mind. I found the valium.
I got kicked out of my apartment, then I moved and I got kicked out of the next apartment so I moved. I lived in 3 places in the space of 2 weeks because Landlords keep realizing I’m not tired, I’m just constantly stoned.
I don’t know what I want from writing this, I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to get up.
All I want is for the light to stop seeping through the curtains so I can go back to sleep and pretend this isn’t happening for one more day.